I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
