Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
