He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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