just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
