Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
