If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
