mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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