i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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