I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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