oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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