I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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