Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
