then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
