Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
