Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
