just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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