First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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