I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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