a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
