I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
