started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
