3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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