Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
