just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
