College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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