I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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