I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
