Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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