i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
