I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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