I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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