my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
