i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If that was your dad, he is hot
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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