I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
