Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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