I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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