My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
