I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
