he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
