He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I did not marry a roomba.
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