Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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