you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
