Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
