Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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