Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
