SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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