when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
