My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
