i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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