my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
