The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
