i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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